I am… depressed.
I can’t see a way out of how I am feeling. See a way to cut back on the stress that is my life. See a way to attain my goals.
I am.
depressed.
I need to do something about this. All I want to do it hide and cry. And cry some more. My insides are in turmoil. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
ALL THE TIME.
I had a very long talk with one of my best friends today. Jean always listens and listens without throwing her drama in. She listens and then asks if I want her to help… or just listen. Today I asked for help.
And Jean gave me a lot of positive suggestions and ideas for getting rid of some of the stress that I am going through. It helps… I think. I hope. Because right now I just feel like throwing up and running away. And then crying.
I don’t even know WHAT would make me happy right now. I wish I could say quitting my job… but that would make me even more stressed because then I’d have no income and we’d have to live on Jeff’s (which we can’t) and I’d have to find a job and put Phoenix in daycare and that would destroy me.
I’d like to quit my job. Become comfortably wealthy. Get to do the things that I WANT TO DO. Like sleep in every day (or go back to bed!) with my love. Take a dog grooming course. Go on the road a couple weekends a month. Have a house at a lake.
Why do we live life? Why? If we have to spend the entirety of our lives doing stuff that we don’t want to do just IN ORDER TO LIVE a life that we don’t enjoy living?????
Then why… why do we do it?
Now… no freaking.. I’m not going to off myself. I fear death more then I fear living a life I don’t enjoy… but yah.
I do love my husband greatly. I love my children, my family, my friends, my dogs, my cat… I love them. But I wish I could say right now that I ENJOY them… but I don’t. And not because of them. Because of me.
I want to love living my life. And I don’t. I need to get that back.
