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So… update.

 

ZOLOFT.  Drug of Champions.  Or at least this champion.

 

What Zoloft has done for me…

taken the panic and anxiety out of every day life

made all the little things little and not BIG any more… no more sweating the small stuff

allowed me to SLEEP like a normal person

allowed me to CONTROL my pre-menstrual “kill the entire family” urges

I am SO MUCH NICER to be around…

allowed me to be calm, collect and cool in the fact of adversity

 

What zoloft has ALSO done for me…

remember that “no panic” thing?  and “don’t sweat the small stuff” thing?

 

Yah… that translates to my weight.  Donut?  Sure!  i’ll have that!  There’s always tomorrow right!

 

gawd.  Suck.  So… I’ve gained some weight back and am recommitting to losing what I’ve gained back as well as the rest of it.  I don’t feel a sense of urgency any more but I’ve got to fake it until I make it!  It’s hard losing weight when you feel like you don’t care if you do!!!

 

Happy?  or Thin?  Ug!  So my goal to to fake it until I am to a healthy weight (because I KNOW how to lose weight happily and safely) and then I can be healthy and happy 😉  lol!!!

 

Now have I been pigging out?  No.  I have not reverted to my old lifestyle by any means.  But too many dinners out and too much snacking in the evenings has left me with clothes too tight… and I am REFUSING to buy MORE clothes in larger sizes.  So it’s lose weight again or feel stuffed into my clothes.  I choose keep losing.

 

Ps.  This is not a new years resolution.  lol!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

 

I am pretty much done with being told what to do.  What pictures to post.  What to write.  Who to talk to and what to talk about.

 

kthanxbye

 

and for the record?  Not helping my stress.  Or depression.  Just sayin.

Progress

I went to the doctor last night and figured out why I’m so sick… I have a nasty case of bronchitis heading towards pneumonia.  The GOOD news is that hopefully we’ve caught it early enough and it can be stopped in it’s tracks.  So I’m now taking an inhaler, Biaxin (heavy duty antibiotics) and a cough syrup.  Cross fingers.  I actually got some sleep last night and that was a change for sure.

 

I’ve got a counseling appointment for Saturday afternoon to talk about what is going on with me.  I don’t espouse the use of drugs in depression.  I would prefer entirely not to use them.  So we’ll see what the say.  There are a lot of natural antidepressants out there that could be very helpful for me I think.   The one can’t be taken while taking antibiotics though so we’ll have to wait until I am done these.  I’m crossing fingers HERE too that things work out.

 

My husband is being fabulous.  Worried.  But fabulous.  He is panicked that I will now start gaining all of the weight I have lost back because during my LAST depression is when I GAINED all of my weight.  I was quick to point out that I no longer sit and eat 3 family sized bags of chips, 4 chocolate bars, a bag of candy and wash it all down with 4 litres of chocolate milk 😉  But it is something to be aware of for sure.

 

My chest hurts.  My head hurts.  I hurt.  Ug.

 

I have daycare kids today (three of them) so I have to be semi-perky.  I think it’s going to be a quiet stories/crafts/playing kind of day.  And I am RESTING during nap time.  The house is just going to have to go to shit for the next few days until I can die on the weekend.  Ug.

 

I say ug a lot.  Ug.

 

Dog news:  Bella’s growing COAT!  Yay!  Bald Bella is less bald!

Trinity is puffy.  Length of coat would be nice.  Head is coming together little by little.

Joey is a teenager.  He’s LONG legged, skinny, knobby and he would be pimply if he could.  He’s got LONG guard hairs on his back and they are a lovely deep red.  He’s going to be gorgeous when he grows up!

 

Well off to brush teeth and look presentable.  It was yogurt and peach oatmeal for breakfast.  I would normal have oatmeal and fruit but I’m trying to stave off the yeasty beastys that appear when you have to be on heavy duty antibiotics 😉

True Colours…

I am… depressed.

 

I can’t see a way out of how I am feeling.  See a way to cut back on the stress that is my life.  See a way to attain my goals.

 

I am.

depressed.

 

I need to do something about this.  All I want to do it hide and cry.  And cry some more.  My insides are in turmoil.  My head hurts.  My heart hurts.

 

ALL THE TIME.

 

I had a very long talk with one of my best friends today.  Jean always listens and listens without throwing her drama in.  She listens and then asks if I want her to help… or just listen.  Today I asked for help.

 

And Jean gave me a lot of positive suggestions and ideas for getting rid of some of the stress that I am going through.  It helps… I think.  I hope.  Because right now I just feel like throwing up and running away.  And then crying.

 

I don’t even know WHAT would make me happy right now.  I wish I could say quitting my job… but that would make me even more stressed because then I’d have no income and we’d have to live on Jeff’s (which we can’t) and I’d have to find a job and put Phoenix in daycare and that would destroy me.

 

I’d like to quit my job.  Become comfortably wealthy.  Get to do the things that I WANT TO DO.  Like sleep in every day (or go back to bed!) with my love.  Take a dog grooming course.  Go on the road a couple weekends a month.  Have a house at a lake.

 

Why do we live life?  Why?  If we have to spend the entirety of our lives doing stuff that we don’t want to do just IN ORDER TO LIVE a life that we don’t enjoy living?????

 

Then why… why do we do it?

 

Now… no freaking.. I’m not going to off myself.  I fear death more then I fear living a life I don’t enjoy… but yah.

 

I do love my husband greatly.  I love my children, my family, my friends, my dogs, my cat… I love them.  But I wish I could say right now that I ENJOY them… but I don’t.  And not because of them.  Because of me.

 

I want to love living my life.  And I don’t.  I need to get that back.

spinning heads

My brain is full.  And tired.  And weepy.

a bunch of very disjointed thoughts will follow… be forewarned.

Maddy had an epic fail day in jazz today.  She has a fairly new teacher who decided that putting her BACK a level in jazz to be with OLIVIA would be a good idea.  They “restructured” a bunch of kids but her whole class moved forward without her.  This is a big mistake on their parts obviously.  They want Maddy to try this class out and then if it’s too easy (which it will be) they’ll move her back up.  Grand scheme of things not a big deal… but she’s crushed so i am crushed FOR her and it’s just one more thing to add to my list of things to worry about.

Female issues are issuing right now.  I have cramps so bad it’s hard to breathe and am bleeding so incredibly much it’s insane.  Makes me want to lay down and cry (more…)

I have an EPIC bad cough so every time I lay down to sleep my lungs wheeze and crack and I am short of breath.  After having double pneumonia I’m a little leery about leaving this kind of stuff and so now I’m worried it’s bigger than just a cold.

I fail at weight loss right now.  I need to find a way to GET into my eating groove.  Instead I coast… and don’t go anywhere.

Dogs.  Let’s just say that there are days that I want to spay/neuter everyone here or send them back and never do this again.  I get myself into situations that I’m not happy with and then can’t get out.  I end up making people mad, having people distrust me and always always always am stuck in the middle of some controversy.    Dog people suck sometimes.  I feel like I am always making the wrong decisions and am ALWAYS getting treated like I’m 18 and don’t know jack shit.

Daycare: clients having to find nanny’s, employment problems, clients cutting hours… all those leading to lots of daycare interviews (which I HATE) and having to find more clients and work more than I really want to.

have to buy: Joey ($1500), snow tires ($1000), dance stuff ($1200), Christmas pressies, etc etc etc.  Jeff has two trips coming up, I have groove and dog obedience to pay for.  This .  Is .  Insane .  right now.

Right now?  I want to:  take the kids out of dance, buy a cheaper vehicle, buy a house at a lake, quit doing daycare, spay the girls I have and send Joey back, homeschool my kids and become a hermit.  Maybe a hermit with some land and a couple of horses.

fml.  seriously.  I’m not happy.  At all.

Huh…

This week marks my LAST week of having an insane amount of children in my house a good portion of time (and a good portion of the day!)  I am really really looking forward to NOT running my feet off for over 10 hours a day catering to the every single whim of 9-10 kids… MOST of the age 5 and under.  I don’t think… unless you have done it… that anyone has ANY FREAKING IDEA how HARD and stressful and DRAINING it is to have 9 kids ALL DEMANDING and chattering and talking and whining and asking for things and clamoring for your attention and and and.  There are no words to describe how burnt toast I feel at the end of the day.  Just no words.

I feel very thankful for a husband that does the supper dishes and helps as much as he does.  Running a house with this many kids PLUS daycare kids PLUS dogs etc is hard.  The level of cleanliness that your house needs to be at on a daily basis in enough to break your back.  EVERY SINGLE DAY I’m cleaning bathrooms, vacumming, sweeping, washing bedding, clothes etc.  I do dishes on average 5 times a day (without a dishwasher).  It’s insane.  And don’t get me started on how hard it is to constantly be cleaning up after nine kids… let’s put it this way.  I’d rather be sitting behind a counter or doing retail all day most days.  SITTING is a concept that I don’t often get to enjoy.

ug.  ranting I know.  But I am so so so so so done.

You know…

Updating my blog the odd time might be a good idea.  Just sayin.

Catch up time:

Summer has been incredibly hard on me.  I’ve had far more daycare kids than are good for me far too many days.  I’ve had super super challenging kids (mostly mine to be honest) and days and enough of them that I am INCREDIBLY burnt out.  I had to be realistic with myself and organize my fall so I don’t want to quit work and run away on a daily basis.

So my “niece and nephew” (friends children) are not coming any more in September.  Last day is August 31.  That freed up a bunch of days and because they were not on a set schedule I would ALWAYS have to leave two afterschool spots  open which would really limit the amount of income I made and would make it far far too chaotic with having to go and pick them up every day as well (the kindergartner would not be allowed to walk home with the other kids.)  These are the kids that I almost always have until after 6 as well and that makes it FAR too long of a day for me… especially when everyone else is gone by 4:45.

So… that meant I could take a part time kiddo (Seija who is almost 2) instead.  She’ll be here Wednesday and Thursday and she goes home by 1pm.  And they pay for two days a week full time.  Yes.  My September looks like this:

(including Phoenix… Maddy has dance EVER day and Liv has dance three days)

Monday: Jacob, Logan, Sofia, Evy

Tuesday: Jacob Logan, Sofia

Wednesday: Seija

Thursday: Seija, Sofia, Evy

Friday: Jacob, Logan, Evy

So I only have all five (including Phoenix) on Mondays… and then just him and Seija on Wednesdays.  But three days a week (If I still took J and G) I’d be maxed out and I CANNOT do that to myself any freaking more.  I just can’t.  Working at this pace is killing me 😦  So I do feel guilty that my friend had to find a new daycare but I have to be realistic to myself and realize what I can and cannot do.  And I cannot do this any more.

/rant

EPIC fail week last week on just so many fronts.  I had my heart and spirit crushed by numerous things (one larger than others) throughout the week and by the end of it I was DONE in dogs and going to spay everything in my house and never show my girls again.  Then I talked to MY breeder and mentor and felt so much better about life/dogs/myself.  *phew*

Right now I am getting ready for the Kamloops dog shows.  Bella is the only specials Collie entered.  There are three class bitches, two class dogs and then Bella.  I’m entering Trinity for practice but not expecting too much.  As she will be slow maturing her head planes are off and she appears deep and her eyes are going through lots of changes.  She has a KILLER freaking body though and I know that judges will not nitpick her head.  And quite frankly… a judge that ONLY judges based on eye and expression ONLY is not a judge I am terribly interested in.  I read a fantastic article in a Canadian Dog digest magazine that talked about the dog as a WHOLE package and about breeding true to ALL parts of the standard of your breed (and like it or not!  Collies DO have a body as well as a head!!!  lol!)  Interesting anyways.

So I’m going down on the Thursday and Cher/I will share a hotel.  I’ve entered both girls all four days (including the Sagebrush specialty).

Meal planning:  this is incredibly horrid but I either DON’T eat at dog shows or eat like crap.  It’s impossible to shop/prepare and store food on the road.  SO … hopefully the hotel has a mini fridge for Milk, fruit so that’s breakfast (or a continental breaky… which I think it does) and I am taking protein bars for lunches.  Dinner will be out each night but I’ll keep it simple.  Salads and grilled chicken mostly.

Well one little girl is due to be picked up soon.  Should change diapers and get her ready.

Getting ready for the Kamloops dog show.